The Truth

Tossing and turning, I couldn't fall asleep. I've been up for awhile now and I knew it was way past my bedtime. Mommy said that I had to be in bed by 9:00, but I always stayed up a little longer. I was still fidgeting in bed, so I finally opened my eyes and turned my head. My clock said it was 10:28pm. "Great," I thought to myself. I should have been sleeping almost an hour and a half ago. I was exhausted, but I still couldn't get out of my head what my friend asked me a while ago. I suddenly got the strength to get up and I looked around. I turned the other way and saw my sister talking on the phone, as usual. I could hear her talking, because she was talking so loud. Typical Paige was talking about boys. I think boys have cooties and they're mean. But whenever I try telling Paige that, she yells at me for ease- dropping, so she says. I can't help that she is always talking on the phone. I shared a room with my fourteen-year-old sister but since my sister was older than me, she had more privilege than me. We had two twin- sized beds and they were both on the opposite sides of the room. "Paige, I can't go to sleep," I said. "Ugh, again? Phoebe, what's been up lately? This is the fifth time this week. Why don't you just get a glass of milk and then try to go back to sleep," she replied. "I don't know, but continue on with your conversation. I'll be back," I responded. I quickly got up, grabbed a jacket, put on my fuzzy slippers and opened my room door.
Outside, I saw my brother's door open, so I peeked in to see what he was doing. My brother is a year younger than Paige, so he was thirteen. He was really into music and he was an average football player. Standing in the frame of his door, I asked," Peyton, what are you doing?" He couldn't hear me because he had earphones in his ears and was on his laptop. So I walked up to him and looked over his shoulder. He abruptly took off his earphones and starred at me. "What are you doing?" he asked. "I was just seeing what you are doing brother. Am I not allowed to?" I responded. He looked at me with such anger and I knew he didn't want me to be in there, so I held my head high and swiftly left his room. Ugh, boys these days, so mean to their younger sister. I was the youngest of five children. I had three older brothers and one sister. Two of my brothers were out of college and they live on their own, but I live at home.
As I walk down the long hallway, I turn to my right where my mommy's room was. I glanced in, but not too far in so that she couldn't see me. She was lying down on her bed and reading her book. I knew that she couldn't see me, because my mommy is near-sighted. I think that's a funny word, but she said it meant when you can't see things far away. I thought it was silly, because wouldn't you be far- sighted if you couldn't see far? But what would I know; I'm only a six-year-old kid. I had the urge to talk to my mother about what has been on my mind, ask her about it, but I just couldn't. So I just went downstairs and got a glass of milk, as my sister said. I opened the refrigerator door and got the milk. Then, I opened the cabinet to get a glass and I poured a little bit of milk in the glass and warmed it up. I thought it tasted yummy and I even sneaked a cookie, but don't tell, I'm not allowed to have sweets after dinner. After I cleaned up, I went back upstairs, but I had to ask my mom.
I took my time walking up the stairs and impulsively stood in front of my mom's door. "Knock knock knock." My mom took off her glasses and told me to come on in. "How come you're not in bed yet young lady," said my mother. "I just couldn't go to sleep mom. What are you doing?" I replied hoping not to get into too much trouble. "I'm just finishing up my book that I'm supposed to read and prepare a lesson for tomorrow. You know that I'm busy with my students and I have to be done with this soon," said my mother calmly. She looked like she was going to fall asleep, but she's been looking like that a lot lately. My mother works four jobs, she is a nurse practitioner, she is a teacher at a big school, and she's a registered nurse and is going to be a doctor. I haven't seen my mom around that much, and since she is so busy, she isn't able to take me to school or pick me up. My aunty who lives really far away comes to take me to school and makes sure that I do all my homework. I rushed to my mom's bed and plopped my body on it. I then sat up and moved around a bit, just to make sure I was cozy before I started talking.
"Mommy can I ask you something," I said with hesitation. "Of course baby, you know you can ask me anything. Now what is it," responded my mother. "Um, mom, where is my dad? Do I even have a daddy?" I asked. My mother's face dropped. She looked as if she was speechless and she couldn't even move. "Phoebe hunnie where did that come from" answered my mother with delay. "The other day at school, we were talking about Father's Day because it is coming up this month. Our teacher, Mrs. Jill, said that is was a very important day and that for everyone's dad; we were going to make a special card. Then, we went around the room and told everyone what our dad's name was. I thought to myself, what is my dad's name? I looked at my friend Kelsey and asked her what her dad's name was. She said it was Chad, and I thought to myself, how she knew. I raised my hand and asked Mrs. Jill, what a dad was. Everyone started to laugh at me and I didn't understand why. Mrs. Jill told me that a dad is a male parent of a child. I thought that every child was only supposed to have only one parent, but I guess not. So mommy, where is my daddy? What is his name?" I said. I knew it was all too much for my mom to answer. Where to start? She was looking down at her hands and looked up at me. She looked as if she was ready to speak, but she stopped, nothing coming from her mouth. I just sat there patiently waiting to hear what she was going to say.
“Baby, I was going to tell you when you were older, when you were going to be able to understand,” said mother. Her eyes watered up and a single tear fell from her face. From then on, I knew it was bad, real bad. She continued on, “You do have a father, his name was Francis and he was such a good dad. He was in a car accident coming home but you were only six weeks old so you don’t remember anything. Your brothers and sister remember a little bit because they were older but you were just a little baby. He was coming from work and he was falling asleep on the wheel, because he didn't get enough sleep. It was an accident and he drove into a tree. He passed away that night in the hospital baby.” Her voice was breaking every time she said a word. I knew it was hard for her but for me, I couldn’t take it. Tears were rushing down my face as if it was raining, creating a big waterfall. I wanted to know more about my father, what he looked like, where he was from, everything. We were both silent, listening to our own sighs and whimpers. “Did you love him?” I questioned my mother. “With all my heart and soul Phoebe. You know you look like him right? You have his eyes, his nose, and his beautiful smile. You remind me so much of him,” mother said with a big smile on her face. “Can I see a picture of him please?” I asked quickly. She got out of bed and opened her dresser and took out a big album. It was beautiful, pages full of him. He was so handsome, exactly how I pictured him. He was tall, dark and took goofy pictures. Just seeing him brought tears of joy to me, knowing that I had a dad, and I knew who he was. “Are you okay mommy?” I asked while grabbing her hand to hold. “Of course hunnie, I’m fine. I’m glad that I told you, but just know that your father loved you so much. He said that you were the cutest baby that he’s ever seen and that he wants the best for you. You were the first child that he actually cried all night for and he was so happy to see you when you were first born.” A smile couldn’t leave my face, while my mother was talking, I was happier than you could ever imagine. I had a dad, a real dad, who loved me dearly. I missed him so much, even though I didn’t even know much about him and I loved him, more than you could ever imagine. I looked at the clock with astonishment to see how late it was. I then got up off of my mother’s bed, kissed her goodnight, and went to my room. Paige was already sleeping, while her friend was still on the phone because I could hear her talking still. I turned off my light and got snug into bed. Knowing that I had a dad, even if he isn't with us right now, made me the happiest kid ever (:

Shadowing Holden

Have you ever felt like something was missing in your life? That there was an empty place in your heart that you knew no one could fill for you? Not too many people know what that feels like, but I do. When I was little, one of the worse things that you could think of happened to me. When I was a little baby, my father was tragically in a car accident and passed away later that night in the hospital. Growing up, I never knew that I was suppose to have two parents, two role models, a mommy and a daddy because I only had a mommy. I always felt that something was missing, and one day, I finally figured out what it was or who it really was.
One day at school, we were talking about Father's Day and I have no idea what a father was. Since I didn't know, I asked my first grade teacher, Mrs. Jill what it was. She was speechless, not knowing what to say to me. She thought that I was just pretending I didn't know what that was, but in the end, she finally figured out that I wasn't kidding. So for the first time in my life, I knew what a father was, but where was mine? Did I even have one? So many questions went through my head all at once, and I couldn't take it. I needed to know the answers to the questions or I thought my head was going to explode because it was crammed with thoughts and wonders. I didn't know how I felt or how I was suppose to feel, if I was suppose to be happy because I knew what a father was or sad because I didn't have one with me or mad because I didn’t know about it. I couldn't take it no more; I had many doubts and the feeling of being unsure that I did the one thing I could do, which was to ask my mom. She told me what I needed to know and what I wanted to know. To take my mind of things, I read various novels and books that actually relate to the way I feel and I find it fascinating to actually see how various characters can relate to me. The last couple of books that I've read I have not made a strong connection as the book I'm reading now, The Catcher in the Rye.
I started to read Catcher recently and by the fifth chapter, I have already made such a great connection with Holden Caulfield's story. Holden is a teenage boy that was sent to Pencey Prep, a famous school he attended in Agerstown, Pennsylvania. Holden wasn't very friendly and he didn't like to assert himself. Since he was so distant from everyone and refused help from anyone, he was never really close to anyone that was his around his age and he never had anyone to call his friends. The only person he was close to was one of his teachers and that was one of the only people that he looked up to. His name was Mr. Spencer, and Mr. Spencer cared a lot for Holden, unlike his family. He never really had a family or somewhere to call home. While growing up, he never really had anyone to look up as a role model for him. Mr. Spencer was his English teacher, and out of five subjects, that was the only subject that he actually passed. Mr. Spencer was the only person that actually understood him and listened to him, other than his brother.
Holden was very close to his brother, Allie. Allie was two years younger than him and was a good brother to Holden. He was very nice and friendly to everyone and he was the smartest member in their family. Allie was diagnosed with Leukemia and died on July 18, 1946 in Maine. Allie's death has permanently affected Holden because now Holden is the only boy in the family and since they were really close, he doesn't have anyone to talk to. " I slept in the garage the night he died, and I broke all the goddam windows with my fist, just for the hell of it," said Holden (page 39). This showed that Holden cared a lot about his brother Allie, even if he didn't show it that often. After the breaking of the windows, his parents were going to have him psychoanalyzed but it never really came to that. Also, from just reading this chapter about Holden and his brother and what happened, it seems that Holden thinks he has no use to his life without his brother. You could see that it has affected him through his different actions and the way he looks at the world. When Holden talks about his brother Allie and his younger sister, Phoebe, you can tell that he is really happy and that is probably one of the only times that he is happy. It brings back good childhood memories for him and that was really the only point in his life where he felt loved and wanted. He never really knew what love was until his brother and sister showed him, but now that his brother died and his sister Phoebe still lives at home; the only reason why he goes home is because he wants to see her. From his Allie's, everything changed. Everyone's attitude and actions changed, because Allie had a massive effect on people. Holden was very affected by the death of Allie.
Holden and I are a lot alike because we both lost someone who is very important to us. Even though I didn't know my father, I feel like I did and I know that he'll always be in my heart. Holden has been affected in a different way then I have. Since my dad had so much pride in me and love for me, that is something that I keep close to my heart. Before I do something, I always think about what my dad is going to think about it, and think about the consequences of my actions, and how it will affect my family and myself. Thinking about how my father is not alive at this time but I am makes me want to assert myself and be able to live up to my potential and even more. I want to show him that even though he isn't here with us right now, that I can still do go and assert myself no matter what. When I think about my dad, I think of a proud parent, someone who is always going to be there for me, even though it's not physical, he will always be in my heart and on my mind. For Holden, death had a different effect on him. He is so mad at the world for taking away his brother that he doesn't want to try, and he doesn't want to have anything to do with others. He is very conservative and instead of talking to others about how he feels or what he is thinking about, he keeps it bottled up inside of him. He doesn't care about his family because they thought that Allie was the star child of the family and they never really paid attention to Holden. You could see that from his parents because they sent him to a boarding school that is far from where they live.
Death affected both Holden and myself, even if it affected us differently. Personally, it has a positive effect on me, but even though it wasn't good for Holden, he could still live from his mistakes. Even though deaths are very bad and they affect people a lot, it changes people and it hurts them. It makes me think about how we should take in all things that happen, even if it's really bad.