Have you ever felt like something was missing in your life? That there was an empty place in your heart that you knew no one could fill for you? Not too many people know what that feels like, but I do. When I was little, one of the worse things that you could think of happened to me. When I was a little baby, my father was tragically in a car accident and passed away later that night in the hospital. Growing up, I never knew that I was suppose to have two parents, two role models, a mommy and a daddy because I only had a mommy. I always felt that something was missing, and one day, I finally figured out what it was or who it really was.
One day at school, we were talking about Father's Day and I have no idea what a father was. Since I didn't know, I asked my first grade teacher, Mrs. Jill what it was. She was speechless, not knowing what to say to me. She thought that I was just pretending I didn't know what that was, but in the end, she finally figured out that I wasn't kidding. So for the first time in my life, I knew what a father was, but where was mine? Did I even have one? So many questions went through my head all at once, and I couldn't take it. I needed to know the answers to the questions or I thought my head was going to explode because it was crammed with thoughts and wonders. I didn't know how I felt or how I was suppose to feel, if I was suppose to be happy because I knew what a father was or sad because I didn't have one with me or mad because I didn’t know about it. I couldn't take it no more; I had many doubts and the feeling of being unsure that I did the one thing I could do, which was to ask my mom. She told me what I needed to know and what I wanted to know. To take my mind of things, I read various novels and books that actually relate to the way I feel and I find it fascinating to actually see how various characters can relate to me. The last couple of books that I've read I have not made a strong connection as the book I'm reading now, The Catcher in the Rye.
I started to read Catcher recently and by the fifth chapter, I have already made such a great connection with Holden Caulfield's story. Holden is a teenage boy that was sent to Pencey Prep, a famous school he attended in Agerstown, Pennsylvania. Holden wasn't very friendly and he didn't like to assert himself. Since he was so distant from everyone and refused help from anyone, he was never really close to anyone that was his around his age and he never had anyone to call his friends. The only person he was close to was one of his teachers and that was one of the only people that he looked up to. His name was Mr. Spencer, and Mr. Spencer cared a lot for Holden, unlike his family. He never really had a family or somewhere to call home. While growing up, he never really had anyone to look up as a role model for him. Mr. Spencer was his English teacher, and out of five subjects, that was the only subject that he actually passed. Mr. Spencer was the only person that actually understood him and listened to him, other than his brother.
Holden was very close to his brother, Allie. Allie was two years younger than him and was a good brother to Holden. He was very nice and friendly to everyone and he was the smartest member in their family. Allie was diagnosed with Leukemia and died on July 18, 1946 in Maine. Allie's death has permanently affected Holden because now Holden is the only boy in the family and since they were really close, he doesn't have anyone to talk to. " I slept in the garage the night he died, and I broke all the goddam windows with my fist, just for the hell of it," said Holden (page 39). This showed that Holden cared a lot about his brother Allie, even if he didn't show it that often. After the breaking of the windows, his parents were going to have him psychoanalyzed but it never really came to that. Also, from just reading this chapter about Holden and his brother and what happened, it seems that Holden thinks he has no use to his life without his brother. You could see that it has affected him through his different actions and the way he looks at the world. When Holden talks about his brother Allie and his younger sister, Phoebe, you can tell that he is really happy and that is probably one of the only times that he is happy. It brings back good childhood memories for him and that was really the only point in his life where he felt loved and wanted. He never really knew what love was until his brother and sister showed him, but now that his brother died and his sister Phoebe still lives at home; the only reason why he goes home is because he wants to see her. From his Allie's, everything changed. Everyone's attitude and actions changed, because Allie had a massive effect on people. Holden was very affected by the death of Allie.
Holden and I are a lot alike because we both lost someone who is very important to us. Even though I didn't know my father, I feel like I did and I know that he'll always be in my heart. Holden has been affected in a different way then I have. Since my dad had so much pride in me and love for me, that is something that I keep close to my heart. Before I do something, I always think about what my dad is going to think about it, and think about the consequences of my actions, and how it will affect my family and myself. Thinking about how my father is not alive at this time but I am makes me want to assert myself and be able to live up to my potential and even more. I want to show him that even though he isn't here with us right now, that I can still do go and assert myself no matter what. When I think about my dad, I think of a proud parent, someone who is always going to be there for me, even though it's not physical, he will always be in my heart and on my mind. For Holden, death had a different effect on him. He is so mad at the world for taking away his brother that he doesn't want to try, and he doesn't want to have anything to do with others. He is very conservative and instead of talking to others about how he feels or what he is thinking about, he keeps it bottled up inside of him. He doesn't care about his family because they thought that Allie was the star child of the family and they never really paid attention to Holden. You could see that from his parents because they sent him to a boarding school that is far from where they live.
Death affected both Holden and myself, even if it affected us differently. Personally, it has a positive effect on me, but even though it wasn't good for Holden, he could still live from his mistakes. Even though deaths are very bad and they affect people a lot, it changes people and it hurts them. It makes me think about how we should take in all things that happen, even if it's really bad.
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